How to Raise a Securely Attached Child?

One of the best ways to support your child’s development is by helping them form a secure attachment style. At its core, an attachment style refers to a person's ability to form emotional bonds with others.

Children with a secure attachment often feel confident in exploring their surroundings, trying new things, expressing their needs openly without fear, and trusting that their loved ones will respond when needed.

However, this sense of confidence and emotional strength doesn’t develop on its own; parents or caregivers play a central role in nurturing it.

So, how do you bring up a secure child?

Early Childhood Attachment Principles

Children are naturally wired to form bonds with a caregiver who is physically present, even if that caregiver does not meet all their basic needs or behaves in harmful ways (Bowlby, 1956; Ainsworth, 1967; Cyr et al., 2010). This instinctive drive to attach serves as a survival mechanism rooted in the need for protection or connection.

When a child gets separated from their primary caregiver, they may end up crying, clinging, or resisting attention from others. These behaviours are not just emotional outbursts but signs of a child’s need for safety, comfort, and connection. How parents or caregivers respond to these needs plays a critical role in shaping the quality of the child’s attachment style.

In general, attachment styles can be grouped into two main categories: secure and insecure (e.g., anxious-ambivalent, avoidant-dismissive, and disorganised styles).

These early patterns of attachment lay the groundwork for how children manage emotions, build trust, and form relationships as they grow.

Exploring Insecure Attachment Styles in Childhood

Part of learning how to raise a securely attached child is being able to identify insecure attachment patterns that may be hindering emotional connection.

The Dynamics of Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment

Children with an anxious-ambivalent attachment style often show intense distress when separated from their caregiver. They may cry, become angry, or resist comfort when the caregiver returns. Although they desire closeness, they often struggle to feel settled or reassured, which results in mixed signals in their behaviour.

Because they are unsure whether comfort will consistently be available, these children may feel less secure venturing away from their caregiver. This can make them more hesitant to explore their environment or engage with unfamiliar people. As they grow older, this uncertainty can carry into their relationships, making them more prone to anxiety about being rejected or abandoned.

The Characteristics of Avoidant-Dismissive Attachment

An avoidant-dismissive attachment style often develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or consistently unresponsive to a child’s needs. In response, the child learns to become more self-reliant to cope. As a result, they may show little to no distress when separated from their caregiver, having learned to suppress their need for comfort and connection.

Over time, this self-protective behaviour shows up in subtle ways. For instance, children with avoidant-dismissive attachment styles may often avoid eye contact, prefer to play alone and keep their emotions to themselves. While this may appear as independence, it can lead to struggles with intimacy and emotional connection later in life.

Identifying Disorganised Attachment

Disorganised attachment, as described by Main and Solomon (1986), is often marked by fear and internal conflict in the child’s behaviour. Some children may exhibit a visible fear of their caregiver, while others display more subtle signs, such as dissociation or hesitation when approaching them. 

This style typically develops in response to caregiving that is inconsistent or neglectful, manifesting as a child who may seek comfort but quickly pull away, appearing angry, confused, or overwhelmed.

Such mixed signals reflect an internal conflict rooted in fear, mistrust, and past experiences where the caregiver was both a source of comfort and fear.

The Role of a Secure Attachment Style

Secure attachment supports healthy emotional and social development. 

While securely attached children may show distress when their caregiver leaves, they are quickly comforted upon their return. This is because children with secure attachments feel safe, trust their caregiver, and use that relationship as a secure base to explore their surroundings.

This consistent sense of safety becomes the foundation for emotional strength, enabling children to grow into adults who can form healthy relationships, trust others, and feel secure within themselves.

The Most Beneficial Attachment Style for Children

A child’s attachment style plays a vital role in shaping how they connect with others and respond to life’s challenges. These styles form internal working models, which are mental templates developed through early caregiving experiences. They influence how a child views themselves, other people, and the nature of relationships.

Of all the styles, secure attachment is the most desired and provides the strongest foundation. It helps children feel valued, understood, and emotionally safe, reinforcing the belief that they are worthy of love and care.

Nurturing a secure attachment may not always be easy, as it often requires patience, empathy, and a deep understanding of a child’s emotional needs. For many parents, this can be a gradual and demanding process, but the long-term rewards are well worth it. 

Learning how to build a secure attachment with your child can foster stronger emotional bonds and set the stage for lasting confidence, resilience, and overall well-being.

How to Create a Secure Attachment With Your Child

Now, let’s explore how to raise a secure child through simple, supportive practices.

One helpful approach to creating a secure attachment is grounded in three key principles: Availability, Responsiveness, and Consistency. These principles also serve as valuable guidance for parents and caregivers seeking to build strong, secure attachments with their children.

Using the Three Principles of “ARC” to Nurture Securely Attached Children

They can be thoughtfully put into practice to help children feel safe, connected, and understood.

• Availability: Be emotionally and physically present. Tune in to your child’s world, make space for their needs, and let them feel that your presence is steady and safe.

• Responsiveness: Understand and respond to your child’s cues with empathy. Let them feel heard, soothed, and emotionally supported, especially during moments of distress.

• Consistency: Follow through with reliability and care. Predictable, loving responses help children build trust and confidence in their connection with you.

The Circle of Security® Parenting™ Programme: Supporting Parent-Child Bonds

Another supportive approach to help parents nurture secure attachments is the Circle of Security® Parenting™ (COSP™) programme. This attachment-based early intervention programme is grounded in more than 60 years of research on child development and parent-child relationships. 

Essentially, COSP™ helps caregivers better understand their patterns and emotional challenges, offering a clear and compassionate framework to recognise areas of struggle and strengthen secure connections with their children.

Our registered COSP™ facilitators at The Psychology Atelier help parents:

• Make sense of their child’s emotional needs

• Support their child’s ability to manage overwhelming feelings

• Nurture self-esteem

• Respect their child’s natural need for connection and safety

However, the goal of COSP™ isn’t to be perfect but to be “good enough.” Through this programme, parents learn to respond with sensitivity, patience, and respect. This helps create an emotionally safe space where children feel secure, understood, and better able to manage their behaviour.

Parents seeking additional support can work with psychologists in Singapore to build confidence and become more grounded and present, benefitting both parent and child.

That said, if you’ve experienced a difficult or emotionally painful childhood, forming secure bonds with your child can feel unfamiliar or even overwhelming. Breaking old patterns, especially those shaped by early emotional wounds, can take time, support, and intention. It often involves unlearning past coping mechanisms and relearning how to connect in healthier, more attuned ways. 

In such cases, childhood trauma therapy can provide a safe space to process past experiences and support you in creating the kind of connection you may have longed for as a child, but this time, with your own.

Contact our team today to learn more about how we can support you in raising securely attached children.